Relational Glue: The Power of Shared Experience

People, whose relationships beat the odds and hold strong over time, have stumbled upon one of life’s grand secrets.

Relationships need glue.  And one of the strongest glues available are shared experiences.

On one level, it sounds like common sense.  Attend to a relationship, and it will thrive.   Husbands, plan regular dates for your wife, and marriage will feel more and more like that first year.  Parents, make time for your kids and watch how their eyes light up.  Long distance friends, Skype one another more often and the miles between you will actually shrink.  And mentors, make memories with your youth to set a foundation for friendship that will carry you into the days when you both have grey hair.

My UrbanLife adult volunteer team engaged in a powerful, shared experience last night. We dyed Easter eggs together.   How can an experience, fueled by vinegar, a dozen eggs and a .99 cent package of dye tablets be characterized as powerful?

 

This is how simple, yet complex, it gets:

Attention leads to connection.  For a portion of the night, we all attended to the same activity.  Engaging in a shared experience together communicates that, at least in the moment: I AM HERE WITH YOU.  Additionally, shared experiences provide opportunities to establish common ground quickly.  Conversation that might be challenging in neutral space, becomes easy for both parties.  Simply describing what is going on in front of you fills any potentially awkward space.

On a biological level, we connected. As we shared an experience, our physiology reinforced our connection. It has happened from the beginning of our lives. Babies’ heartbeats begin to mimic the rhythm of their caregivers, when resting in their arms.  Breathing rates become more similar.  And at the cellular level, Mirror neurons take in information and fire subconsciously, allowing us to interpret one another’s positive body language and mimic it back.  In the eye contact and posture, a fly-on-the-wall would have certainly described our group as connected last night.

On an emotional level, we connected.  Volunteers experienced surprise when they walked into a training meeting, only to see that we were dying eggs.   A couple of them possibly felt low-level anxiety because this was a new activity to them. We all laughed when Ricardo dropped and cracked one of the eggs.  And we lamented the fact that we would not be able to eat the hard boiled eggs later, because I had left them out too long.   Most of these emotions were shared, in identical time and space. 

We created a positive memory. Memory is anchored both in our emotions and in our bodies.  On a basic level, successful and thriving relationships involve amassing a greater percentage of positive and reinforcing experiences than negative or neutral ones.   While, dying eggs may not have been the highlight of my leader’s month, it was definitely positive.  Because it was, and because it reinforced learning of valuable skills that night, my bet is that they will be back for the next gathering.

Shared experiences are like relational glue.  

Life on the Beach Blaster

I’m not naïve enough to think there is a great swarm of readers wondering, where has JP been? But, upon reading this, you may be saying to yourself, “Wow, it has been a long time JP!”

The explanation, in short: Life has been moving fast. 

Last week during High School Mission Week, I rode a thrilling amusement park ride at Mission Beach.  I rode it ten times.  Due to some early day rain, the lines were minimal and allowed for our group to experience thrills, one after another.  The Beach Blaster became addictive to a whole handful of us.   Like a 100 foot-pendulum, it swung us back and forth.  Adding centripetal force, it spun us around.  Both happening at once, the ride had its way with us.  By the tenth time, my 36-year-old stomach had had enough.

While on the ride, life happened in flashes.  We’d wave at friends as we whizzed by.  Perhaps we should have stopped to recount the horror and the thrill.  But the opportunity to ride again, and immediately, pushed us back into line and onto the Beach Blaster.

So it is in seasons of our lives.   As parents, we routinely face the decision to grab a camera to capture a moment, or to simply experience the fullness of the moment unfiltered.   Bloggers, at times, are faced with a decision to narrate a recent event, or to dive in and experience another one.  Healthy social media users ask the hard questions, including, “Am I experiencing the fullness of life in the same way I am portraying it online?”  Seasons of simply living are helpful for perspective and grounding.

In this past season of youth ministry, I’ve needed to just be.  Not experience, write about, photograph and pine about.  Just be. 

I may reach back a month to tell you about the stolen shoes that reappeared on my doorstep or detail the lunacy of staying up all night, at my age, with teens.   I may let you in on our secret ice blocking spot.  I’d love to share about a student, once bottled up by rejection and pain, now blossoming in an environment of safety and affirmation.  I might even let you know about the award I recently won.  These are the things you’ve missed. 

But they are ones that I’ve fully experienced, like each whipping turn of the Beach Blaster.

13 Days and 5 Ways I'm Still Struggling with Richard Sherman

Since posting my initial reaction to Richard Sherman rant, I'm still struggling. Several significant events have taken place that give the conversation more texture and complexity and depth.  But the challenge, from where I sit, remains the same. Let me catch you up:

1. Richard Sherman got slapped on the wrist.

We learned that the NFL fined Sherman $7,875 for unsportsmanlike conduct, following his actions “mocking” opponents during the NFC Championship game versus the San Francisco 49ers.  He was not fined for his remarkably self-absorbed interview with Fox Sports’ Erin Andrews.  Selfishness is apparently not legislated by the NFL.

2. Richard Sherman became uber famous.

We now know that Sherman gained 299,000 Twitter followers in the 24 hours following the NFC Championship game. Whether from intrigue or allegiance, Sherman's potential influence grew exponentially.  ESPN's "Monday Morning Quarterback" column about him got 4.5 million clicks, shattering a Sports Illustrated digital record.

3. Richard Sherman got even more rich.

Sherman's agent revealed this week that interest in signing Richard Sherman to endorsement deals has "boomed" since his comments.  In fact, the millions that are promised make the NFL's less-than-eight thousand dollar fine laughable. This article conservatively estimates that Sherman will make 5 million dollars from the incident.

4. Richard Sherman sort of apologized.

In the 13 days leading up to the Superbowl, we've heard Sherman deflect, minimize, justify and expound.  What we haven't seen, is an effort to express regret or to communicate how he could have shown more valor and virtue.  In his words, "I may have been wrong in my gestures, but if I had to do it all again, I'd probably do some of the same things."

5. Richard Sherman clearly won the support of the young men I mentor. 

This was a bummer to me. I posted here that I would use this current event to engage my mentees on issues of pride and self-identity.  When asked about their thoughts on Richard, their responses were strong and clear:

I initially explained this phenomenon by considering the influences of my boys growing up in

this urban neighborhood.  On the streets, the strong survive.  Weakness, when expressed, makes you a target.  'Trash talk' is a norm.  Performance is king. And trash talk that is backed up, trumps everything.

But this was far too simplistic.  My boys don't live in an urban bubble.  They are connected to the media world like you and I.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet that they were among the 299,000 new Twitter followers of Richard Sherman.  From afar, they observe how society rewards and punishes behavior.  The storm of money, fame and scrutiny did not take Richard Sherman by surprise.  After all, Sherman holds a degree in communications from Stanford.  But I don't think my boys were surprised by the positive reinforcement either.  They see his face splashed on screens.  They talk about the Dre Beats commercials featuring Sherman more frequently. And they know he is 'getting his.' It's not even a question. This is how our world works, they say. 

The challenge still remains though.  If this is how our world works, how do we communicate that there's more?   In a world, where the first are first and the last are left out, how do we teach virtues that matter?   How do we point them to a kingdom where life is found in giving yourself away? How do we show them that their teammates and co-workers and family members are at least as important as they are, and should be treated even better?  

I think I know the answer.  But it isn't formulaic.  It isn't quick. And it isn't even always fun.

The answer is in showing them.  The answer is in walking with our youth.  The answer is in a long term strategy of being with them in the struggle.  The answer is in mentoring them well.  The answer is in pointing them to Jesus. 

For Me, For You and For Richard Sherman

How Richard Sherman is Helping Me Mentor Youth

You must have seen it ‘go down’ on television last night right after the Seahawks' win.  If you happened to be occupied during the Seahawks 49ers game or away from a television, then your Twitter feed was surely blowing up.  As early as this morning, it was a hot topic of conversation in the grocery line. Chances are, you are at least tangentially familiar with the Richard Sherman rant.

On the final drive of the NFC Divisional Playoff series, Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman tipped a ball that was intended for 49ers wide receiver, Michael Crabtree.  The deflected ball was quickly intercepted, propelling the Seattle Seahawks into the upcoming February 2nd Superbowl.  The drive was amazing to watch. The final play was spectacular.  It must have been both exhilarating and rewarding for Richard Sherman.   But, in my opinion, he misused the moment.  And he looked small.

Instead of celebrating the accomplishment with his teammates and chest bumping the teammate that actually made the interception, he went after Crabtree, taunting him.  Moments later, Fox Sports' Erin Andrews, asked him to describe the play.

 

CLICK TO SEE INTERVIEW

"I'm the best corner in the game," Sherman yelled. "When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that's the result you're gonna get. Don't you ever talk about me."

And because he does not really answer the question directly, Andrews asks who he is talking about.

"Crabtree," he said. "Don't you open your mouth about the best or I'm gonna shut it for you real quick."

It came off badly.  He used the moment to belittle his opponent.  He jumped at the chance to glorify (and perhaps overstate) his own giftedness.  It was brash.  It was brazen.  And he was dripping in pride.

But Richard Sherman is going to help me mentor youth.

Richard Sherman brings up a topic that me and the guys have needed to talk about. I am hoping that, this coming Sunday morning, the Sherman-Crabtree story will lead us into conversation that proves formational for the young men I love.

The topic is sure to connect with them.  I predict a couple of the guys will defend his brazen cockiness.  I know that they been taught to admire and identify with the swagger that was on display.  One of my guys even thinks so highly of himself, that he self-imposed and self-propagated a change of his first name to match that of 4-time NBA MVP, LeBron. It's a far cry from Abdi Abdi. 

You can guarantee a couple things will come up in our conversation. I will slip into coach speak, suggesting that Richard Sherman should have been a ‘team guy’ and “act like he’s been there before.”
Also guaranteed, I will also ask them to wrestle with Scripture from Proverbs that asserts, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18) Additionally, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger, and not your own lips.” (Proverbs 27:2) Launching from this verse, I'll probably point out that he didn't need to say a word at the end of that game. Had he refused to speak when Erin Andrews jammed the microphone in his face, he still would have been heralded by all for making the play of the game! It's so much sweeter (and right) to let compliments flow in, than to manufacture them on our own.

The need for individual recognition, for each of us, exposes our disbelief in the fact that we are treasured sons and daughters of God.  We feel like we need more than that.  We need the praise and applause of women and men. And many of us chase this idol to find in effort to experience deep fulfillment.  Richard Sherman isn’t the only one out there trumpeting his own name.   While potentially demonizing Sherman here, I am fully aware that the same temptation gets to me, and to us, sporadically.   Behind our degrees and our homes and our Instagram filtered photos, we too come off brazen as well. 

My prayer is for all of us today: me…you…my mentees…and Richard Sherman.  Today, might we attribute all that is good in our lives, to God Himself, who showers us with His good gifts.    

And if you take any credit, then we’ll let Richard Sherman deal with you, "Don't you open your mouth about the best or I'm gonna shut it for you real quick!"

Redemptively Hot Carrots {Recipe Included}

Proactive parents are always pushing vegetables.  They know that, at least in the early years, they are responsible for the diets of their growing kids.

Some hide it in the sauce.  Others incentivize vegetable consumption.  Still others focus on making veggies delectable and palatable.

We employ the 'all of the above' approach.  We do it because physical health matters.  Nutritious diets, that top recommended daily allowances of fruits and vegetables result in positive outcomes for youth.   Eating fruits and vegetables lowers the risk of developing chronic diseases and can also help with weight management.  Blog entries "Top Chef UrbanLife" and "Watch out Chipotle"chronicle two of our recent efforts to engage this challenge
.

Our efforts this week included sending hot Mexican-style carrots along with students and their mentors on Bible Study and Burrito {small} Night at UrbanLife.  The carrots were such a hit,  I'm sharing the secret recipe with you:

Redemptively Hot Carrots

1. Peel and slice about 4 pounds of carrots diagonally, about 1/3 inch thick.
2. Additionally, cut 4 yellow onions into thin-ish strips and peel at least one (we suggest 2) whole bulbs of garlic
3. Meanwhile, boil 12 cups of water in a big pot.
4. Once water is boiling, add 4-5 bay leaves.
5. Then add sliced carrots, simmering for 4 minutes.
6. Remove heat and add all these ingredients to the giant pot: sliced onions, 4 cups cider vinegar, 1-20oz. can of sliced jalepenos with juice, 1/2 cup vegetable oil, peeled garlic cloves,  2 tablespoons of salt, 1 tablespoon of pepper, a teaspoon of sugar, and  a punch of dried oregano.
7. Let cool.
8. Refrigerate and enjoy.

Tearing Through Short Stacks with Teenage Boys

My guys tear through their short stacks of pancakes.   And I mean that a couple of different ways.  Sure, we regularly impress Denny’s waitresses with the total number of pancakes our table consumes in a breakfast sitting.  The $4 All-You-Can-Eat Slam was surely not designed to make money on a group in our demographic. 

But there is still another way my guys tear through their short stacks.  They use their hands to rip the pancakes. 

It shouldn’t have caught me off-guard. But it did.  It only took a moment for me to pop off our booth’s vinyl cushion and break into a ‘How to Handle Your Cutlery’ mini-lesson. Being the father of three Ethiopian children, I should have been a little more graceful.   Table etiquette is clearly culturally bound.  All three of my mentees reminded me as much.

“I don’t care what people in here think” boasted the de facto leader with some swagger and scrunched eyes for emphasis.

“It’s way more efficient this way”

“You gotta admit that JP!” added the third.

They had a point.

But so did I.

In my mind, I knew wasn’t a hill to die on.  It wasn’t something to make them feel ashamed about.   But it was worth the discussion for sure. 

They deserve to know that there is a dominant culture that will judge them based on perceptions, wrong or right.   They deserve to know what particular decorum is in specific settings.   That’s why we talk about tipping when we get the bill.  It’s also why they get the ‘how to treat a lady’ speech right before the big dance.  The ability to interact and connect with divergent types of people is a useful skill.  And I want them to posses it.

This is a slice of mentoring.   But it is not the whole.  

Mentoring is greater than, not equal to the teaching of manners.

That’s why I’m not going to ‘trip’ if they tear up the hotcakes on our next trip to Dennys.   The number of meals we share together is actually the more important measure.   If I get to be around these guys as they mature into caring husbands, exceptional employees, involved fathers and courageous community leaders, then we both win.  We are both being made more and more into the image of God, under this scenario.

And that is worth infinitely more than stacks and stacks and stacks of pancakes, whether politely sliced or efficiently torn.