Loving the Kleptomaniacs Among Us

Jesus’ words are hard to take seriously.  Seriously.

Try to think about today’s application of these:

“If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

“And if anyone wants to sue you and takes your shirt, hand over your coat as well.”

“If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.”

As students would say, “That’s cray-cray!”

@ UrbanLife

None of these were my first thoughts when the pizza delivery guy told me his phone was stolen out of his car.  He was delivering 25 pizzas for the UrbanLife club meeting, when one of our students helped themselves to his Samsung Galaxy 3.

The timing was horrible.  Only 5 minutes before we were about to warmly welcome our high school friends into the building.  Adult volunteers were praying for the evening.  The pizza guy was standing at the door, arms crossed and brow sweating, just waiting for Sherlock Holmes to show up.  And nobody was talking. ‘ Snitching’ is not an option for students.

Stealing is commonplace, I am quickly learning.   We are down 3 smart phones in 3 months at UrbanLife.  Word on the street, is that a whole core of our students are taking items to the pawn shop, and splitting the proceeds.

Immediately, I feel anger and fear. 

 “Why would they do this? … Don’t they realize that we are providing them a meal?...What if they steal from me?...Don’t they realize that this is safe space?...A church?...What if they steal from the wrong person?...What if this behavior continues?...Doesn’t it lead to jail-time and more serious crimes?”

Interestingly, I am seeing stealing happen in my own nuclear family.  One day, a hundred-dollar bill made it out the door and to school.  More recently, the teacher’s supplies made it into my child’s backpack and back home.   When it is my own kid, it really gets me scared.

But I am learning

I am learning that stealing (and then lying about it after) are super common effects of children that experience trauma.   I am learning that the behavior is usually not premeditated, willful, or targeted to hurt a specific person.  Instead, the behavior begins from an unconscious place.   Children and youth who steal are seeking to be comforted.  According to Bryan Post PhD/LCSW, stealing is “an external attempt to soothe an internal state.”  It’s really not even about the item taken for the individual that steals.  It is more about the rush of chemicals (endorphins) in the brain that occurs for them.  Stealing creates a temporary state of ecstasy for that child or youth.

Just this basic understanding helps me greatly.

My revised understanding has me thanking God for the stealing. 

Here is why:  If we understand the stealing behavior to be an impersonal cry for help, we have been given some valuable information.  But more than that, we are served up a potentially transformative interaction with students, if we can act out of love, rather than fear.   In the short term, it looks like overlooking the stealing.  It looks like affirming the relationship and your love for the youth, even if it is obvious that the student is involved.  It may even mean offering the youth more of the thing they just stole. I know…that’s crazy.  But it really closely approximates a forgiveness-ethic that changes people.   It’s the Jesus way.

It also means, after time has passed and fear of punishment is not looming, discussing it directly.

“Hey I care about you.  But I really hurt when you tell a lie or take things.  I know the only time you do that is when you are really stressed out.  Would you come to me next time you feel that way?”

My attempt went like this…

I decided that I wanted to pay the pizza man for his lost phone.  It happened on our property and the phone was taken from inside his car.    But I also wanted students to know that it was me, indirectly, that they stole from.

With two students in my car, I traveled to the bank.  I asked them to wait while I got out $180 cash.   Then we drove to the pizza joint.   I didn’t believe that either of these two took the phone.  But I do know they know who did.  And they may have benefited from the resale.  I walked in alone and gave the cash to the victim.   Re-entering the car, I really wanted to go on and on about my disappointment and disbelief of the event.   Instead, I said, “Please spread the word on the street, that I love the person who took the phone, and that they stole the phone from me.”

That was it.

Are you Kidding?

Their disbelief was obvious.

“That’s why I’m not a Christian.  That is some crazy shit right there.”

I am praying that moments like these turn redemptive.