Loving the Kleptomaniacs Among Us

Jesus’ words are hard to take seriously.  Seriously.

Try to think about today’s application of these:

“If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

“And if anyone wants to sue you and takes your shirt, hand over your coat as well.”

“If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.”

As students would say, “That’s cray-cray!”

@ UrbanLife

None of these were my first thoughts when the pizza delivery guy told me his phone was stolen out of his car.  He was delivering 25 pizzas for the UrbanLife club meeting, when one of our students helped themselves to his Samsung Galaxy 3.

The timing was horrible.  Only 5 minutes before we were about to warmly welcome our high school friends into the building.  Adult volunteers were praying for the evening.  The pizza guy was standing at the door, arms crossed and brow sweating, just waiting for Sherlock Holmes to show up.  And nobody was talking. ‘ Snitching’ is not an option for students.

Stealing is commonplace, I am quickly learning.   We are down 3 smart phones in 3 months at UrbanLife.  Word on the street, is that a whole core of our students are taking items to the pawn shop, and splitting the proceeds.

Immediately, I feel anger and fear. 

 “Why would they do this? … Don’t they realize that we are providing them a meal?...What if they steal from me?...Don’t they realize that this is safe space?...A church?...What if they steal from the wrong person?...What if this behavior continues?...Doesn’t it lead to jail-time and more serious crimes?”

Interestingly, I am seeing stealing happen in my own nuclear family.  One day, a hundred-dollar bill made it out the door and to school.  More recently, the teacher’s supplies made it into my child’s backpack and back home.   When it is my own kid, it really gets me scared.

But I am learning

I am learning that stealing (and then lying about it after) are super common effects of children that experience trauma.   I am learning that the behavior is usually not premeditated, willful, or targeted to hurt a specific person.  Instead, the behavior begins from an unconscious place.   Children and youth who steal are seeking to be comforted.  According to Bryan Post PhD/LCSW, stealing is “an external attempt to soothe an internal state.”  It’s really not even about the item taken for the individual that steals.  It is more about the rush of chemicals (endorphins) in the brain that occurs for them.  Stealing creates a temporary state of ecstasy for that child or youth.

Just this basic understanding helps me greatly.

My revised understanding has me thanking God for the stealing. 

Here is why:  If we understand the stealing behavior to be an impersonal cry for help, we have been given some valuable information.  But more than that, we are served up a potentially transformative interaction with students, if we can act out of love, rather than fear.   In the short term, it looks like overlooking the stealing.  It looks like affirming the relationship and your love for the youth, even if it is obvious that the student is involved.  It may even mean offering the youth more of the thing they just stole. I know…that’s crazy.  But it really closely approximates a forgiveness-ethic that changes people.   It’s the Jesus way.

It also means, after time has passed and fear of punishment is not looming, discussing it directly.

“Hey I care about you.  But I really hurt when you tell a lie or take things.  I know the only time you do that is when you are really stressed out.  Would you come to me next time you feel that way?”

My attempt went like this…

I decided that I wanted to pay the pizza man for his lost phone.  It happened on our property and the phone was taken from inside his car.    But I also wanted students to know that it was me, indirectly, that they stole from.

With two students in my car, I traveled to the bank.  I asked them to wait while I got out $180 cash.   Then we drove to the pizza joint.   I didn’t believe that either of these two took the phone.  But I do know they know who did.  And they may have benefited from the resale.  I walked in alone and gave the cash to the victim.   Re-entering the car, I really wanted to go on and on about my disappointment and disbelief of the event.   Instead, I said, “Please spread the word on the street, that I love the person who took the phone, and that they stole the phone from me.”

That was it.

Are you Kidding?

Their disbelief was obvious.

“That’s why I’m not a Christian.  That is some crazy shit right there.”

I am praying that moments like these turn redemptive.

Ministry in a Climatic Wonderland

Monday school was out.

Because we live in a climatic wonderland, I was able to take students sledding in the snow and then surfing at the beach, all in one day.  An hour-long drive was the only thing separating the two extreme sporting activities. 

To keep with the theme of ridiculousness, I built a jump in the snow and then modeled what not to do when you are 35 years old.

I can't help but share the moment I walked up to my Congolese refugee friend that was sporting my surfing wetsuit, both inside-out and backwards!

Finally, be reminded that you can always throw a potato in some foil and then into the coals of a fire, on a night you don't feel like cooking.

The epic environment, time in the van, and shrieks of joy all made for valuable moments of relationship building and ministry of presence with students. 

Jesus and the Underdeveloped Pons

Whole BRAIN: Whole GOSPEL   PART 1

Three players on my JV squad quit last week.  It got too tough.  The losses mounted up too high.  The coaching got interpreted as attacks.  The perception of their peers became crushing.  Their brains freaked out. They told the players it was survival time. As in…life and death survival time. Fight or Flight baby.

FIGHT looked like this:

After being taken out of the game for being selfish with the ball (taking quick shots without sharing the ball) one player blamed others, “Why don’t you take out X.  He has been doing it all game!”   Then to me, “You are soft.”  

FLIGHT looked like this:

After a rough loss, one player got passive-aggressive: “Whoever doesn’t say ‘yes coach’ is a <<bad word>>” I heard him say as I walked around the van.   Then throughout the ride, I am profusely shown deference by all players…over and over: “Yes coach… yes coach… yes coach.”  When I confront the player on it, he acts confused, then gets out of the van. We were near his house.  Finally, he tweets about quitting the team and wonders how I might handle it.

Another one of them skipped the hard conversation and just disappeared for 3 days.  When I finally tracked him down on campus, he indicated, “I don’t want to play anymore.  I am done. It’s not fun.”

Reactions like these are all too familiar in my household.  Between multiple books and classes at Brain Highways, I have learned more than I ever anticipated about the brain.

Fight or flight reactions originate in the PONS, or the lower center of the brain.  The role of the pons is actually important. It perceives threats and then communicates with both hemispheres of the brain.  When underdeveloped, the primitive reflexes of brain are fired off rather quickly.  But the lower brain should not be 'calling the shots' in mildly challenging situations like these.  My players should be getting through these challenges using a developed CORTEX.  They should rationally work through the competing messages in their heads and realize that things are not that serious.   THIS more clearly explains the dynamic.

But their brains are underdeveloped.  It’s true.  I’m not making light of it, or trying to provide excuses.  But trauma in early childhood has real effects.  Most of my players suffer from some degree of trauma in their childhoods.  This trauma stunts normal brain development. 

I was unaware of this physiological dynamic in years past.  But parenting children with trauma in their past has me learning at a rapid pace.  Learning cutting edge science about the brain is making me a better parent and a better coach. Equally important, it’s making me a more hopeful Christian. 

Here’s why:

The gospel is pervasive.  It can influence far more than our intellectual set of beliefs.  It can change us.  It has power.  The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is able to heal some of the deepest wounds in our lives.  It can even help us use our CORTEX more effectively.  

I am not suggesting that our brain functionality can be magically optimized at the moment of conversion. But I do believe that, science-based efforts to reorganize the brain can be part of the healing process God might use this side of heaven.

Traditionally Christians have expectations of behavior change in folks, once they start following Jesus.   I do.   But now I am tempered by an understanding of the effects of trauma on the brain.  It makes me a more empathetic coach and mentor.  It helps me be more strategic in my interactions with them.  And it makes me long for healing in their lives.

If the gospel is as potent as I believe it is, then development and reorganization of the brain is a realistic hope.

 ***UPDATE: All 3 players indicated interest in returning to the team.  All 3 apologized for their behavior and faced individualized consequences.  All 3 made significant contributions in last night’s win.

Leadership on the Floor

Our mission statement reads: We create environments and experiences where students of inner city San Diego can be transformed.

This past Sunday, we got a little lazy.  More specifically, we relied on IKEA to provide  “the environment.”  Looking for a spot to read and reflect on a Parker Palmer excerpt, we made ourselves at home in a fully furnished modern kitchen setup.

Students remained focused until one poised shopper just had to know the price of the table.

 

 You’re welcome IKEA.  You have us to thank for the sale of that dinette set!

Redemption that Looks Like a Criminal Charge

We are steady in recruitment of adult volunteer leaders. 

We always invite:  “CHANGE A LIFE.  AND IT WILL CHANGE YOU TOO.”

HS Volunteer Leaders at Christmas Party 2012

Here’s what that really looks like for one of the volunteer leaders on our team this week:

Thursday morning, Kate will send her own 3 kids off to school.   Then, instead of heading into work, she will accompany one of her other (UrbanLife student) kids to court.   Kate shouldn’t have to go.  In fact she warned Nelly against taking what turned out to be criminal action.  Sure, the words used against Nelly were wrong and hurtful.  They cut deep and inflamed her. But Kate provided solid council, rational options, and realistic warning of possible consequences.  Violence just wasn’t the best route.  Clearly it isn’t the Christian route. 

Nelly just didn’t listen.  She was too proud, too angry, too hurt.  Whatever. 

The punch was vicious.  It connected.  It jolted.  It hurt.  The crowd swarmed.  Clutching hair in the left, swinging wildly with the right.  

“A female version of Manny Pacquiao!” 

It continued for 11 seconds, at least.  May as well have been 11 minutes.  Both were pounced on.  Campus police restrained. Separated. Questioned.  School administration disciplined. 

But now a judge.

Kate could feel betrayed.  She could justify walking away.  But she’s not.  She gets it.  She holds on to the glimpses of beauty, of leadership and of maturity that she has seen in Nelly so far.  She loves like Jesus would. Unconditionally. Kate knows that her presence will make a difference.  I am convinced that Kate may be the only approving face Nelly sees on Thursday.  Kate knows that discipleship is long.  It’s a journey.  It’s not perfectly linear either.  She knows that being there Thursday will be more impactful for Nelly than any message, any small group time, and any outing that Nelly will experience all year.

++++++++++++++++++++

Most of us leaders need ‘the leading’ even more than students need us to lead.  That’s the truth. We are placed in a position to live out our highest calling.  There, we find ourselves in the middle of messy situations, unsolvable puzzles. We discover that some of the pressures our students face, are systemic in nature. Others are unjust at best.  In these moments, we are reminded that we are not supposed to solve kid’s problems necessarily.  We are reminded that our presence, attention, empathy, and encouragement are the most sacred things we can offer.  And we remember that we are quite small, when it comes down to it.  In these moments we see a fundamental reality that we are used to burying: We actually need God.

It’s weird to write out loud that we forget we need God.  But we do it all the time, throughout our day.   I often look to Mother Google for answers much more readily than I do to Father God.  I walk away from other’s pain far too often.   I put fork to mouth without a real moment of acknowledging where my bread really comes from.   And my relative richness (top 1% of the world) keeps me a cool 75 degrees and well fed.   Come to think of it, I don’t even viscerally remember what hunger pains feel like.  It was too long ago. Journeying with our students strips us of our simple solutions and reminds us of the truth: We need God.

+++++++++++++++++

Kate will tell you that she needs God this Thursday.  But on Friday, she will also tell you that God met her.  And this whole fiasco will change her.  Kate will be more of the woman God dreamed she would be.  

*Names were changed for the sake of anonymity.

Redemption (alma mater) Song

If you are following, you saw that my junior varsity squad suffered a 80-point loss recently.  I tried to make sense of it in THIS POST.

Same gym. Same month. Different opponent. But...<<this is really important>>...different outcome!

It was a battle of titans, a low scoring affair.  The lead changed numerous times.  In the end, we won by a single point (40-39)!

But you would have thought we made it to the NCAA Finals.

Experience unabashed celebration in the van-ride home:

Five Sides of Ridiculousness

It's super ridiculous when you get a text like this regarding a ride to church.

It tells you that you are loving the right people.  "Yeah blood."

Also ridiculous, our campus boasts the last standing pay phone in the western hemisphere.

Super ridiculous, was the margin of loss in our recent junior varsity basketball game.

Both surprising and ridiculous: Children from our neighborhood play tetherball in our parking lot with a handicapped parking sign, a small rope, plastic grocery bags, and any round object.

Crazy ridiculous is what I find myself doing so that youth can know the love of Jesus.